ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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