If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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