I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
