He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You may now shotgun with the bride
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
did i just pee glitter
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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