I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
