Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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