literally had 100 drinks last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
