I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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