i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
