I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
