Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
