I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
