I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
