my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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