these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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