hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
