the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
