Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
