man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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