So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
