He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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