If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
