Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
