Pants 0. Shit 1.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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