Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize