I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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