I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
