I think I died a long time ago.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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