my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize