Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
