my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
