Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There's even glitter on my cock...
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