i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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