Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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