he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
