so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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