Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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