Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
