Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
