he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
