My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
