The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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