What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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