All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
