He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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