and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
