My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
