ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
