a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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