The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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