Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
