Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
