I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
