i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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