im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
