Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
