I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize