If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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