my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize
