If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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